Every year I write these. Except 2014, I think, but cannot check because the search button on my blog does not work. My blog is half working, half not working. And with that you will understand the predicament I am in when it comes to making resolutions. One makes resolutions when one has a grip on one’s life or one has lost all grip and is trying to pull oneself together. I am neither. I neither have a complete grip on where my life is going nor do I feel completely rudderless.
I am in limbo.
Everything I do informs a life that can go in two separate directions. I write a blog in English and focus more on my work here and start talking more to my friends here, I live here. I write a bilingual blog, travel back to Romania as often as possible, keep in touch, and I live there.
To those who think separation is easy, physical separation from everything you knew, I say you can only do it if you have a deadline or a distraction. The hour-by-hour alienation of living somewhere new is breath-taking. When I first came back from living in the UK, a colleague asked me “why, why did you come back?” and I said that while the big moments when you get a job, when you publish something, when you win a pitch or visit the Tate and take a selfie might look like your life is perfect, the minutes in between are what makes for most of your life there, and if those are not happy ones, the big moments are lost to you.
Or maybe I’m just old and fixated on the past.
Either way Life as it currently unfolds is a passive taking in of new things and nurturing of things left behind so something nice does not get extinguished. It’s hard to make resolutions but I will try. These might not be what you expect 🙂
There’s two parts to this. One part is about the recently popular art of mindfulness which, it is said, has helped many a stressed execs to gain balance. I want to try that. Not because I am an exec. But because I want balance. The second part is good old thinking-more-thoroughly-about-things. I find myself sometimes struggling to express clearly stuff I need to opine on. I can only conclude I need a better formed thought before I can express it.
2. Walk more. Swim more.
This is pretty explanatory and connected to the above. I find that swimming and walking give me space to breathe and think. A recent train ride across the continent saved me from what was most clearly a near nervous breakdown. So, yes.
3. Be transparent and open but balance that with being considerate and weighing the context.
I say this because I think, as a young woman, I rushed ahead with truth on my side only to realize truth hurts, is sometimes nuanced and sometimes does not help. So, if I want to claim I am wiser, I should be able to understand what needs to be done and said but also the circumstances of that and act accordingly.
4. This is a hard one. I left a blank and came back to it after I had finished the ones below. It’s something about acting your age and not your frustrations. I cannot explain it but I have done it and it works. I should keep at it and keep at it strongly.
This is about my job. I like my job. I am a strategist in a digital company and I think what I do is essential. I also think that having worked for Google has taught me two valuable things and two useful things. Valuable: a) put the user/person at the center of your actions and b) understand machines. Useful: a)learn the system and then play it b) structure is everything. So I need to use that to make what I do mean something. And I am working on it.
6. Blog more. But not on Facebook. Here. Because until I can make sense of why we continue dumping everything into a bottomless pit of content, I need to …well, not do that.
7. Make enough money so that I can, at some point, take a year off and take my Pastry Diploma from Le Cordon Bleu in London. Meanwhile, manage to bake my own chocolate croissants without ruining the dough several times.
8. Something personal about womanhood I can’t really share here.
9. Read more books and see more good movies.
10. Remember the deadline.